Super early, Super unprofessional, super pessimistic 2023-24 NHL standings predictions

[V1nny83at5]

I'm aware that we're nowhere near preseason but I decided to make this *joke* (although seriously pessimistic) standings predictions for the upcoming 2023-24 NHL season. My logic is, the more hated you are (according to me) the higher up in the standings you will be. I also put in paranthesis/bracket the most hated person/thing from each team. Here is a google doc to my tier list of most hated to least hated teams: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1npSBE_E6TWMg0zPVa3EuL5QDa9n7i0PORryxuXNNBPM/edit?usp=sharing

 

Atlantic

1. Toronto (Brad Treliving)

2. Florida (Matthew Tkachuk)

3. Tampa Bay (2004)

4. Boston (Milan Lucic)

5. Montreal (Martin St. Louis/Sean Monahan trade)

6. Ottawa Senators (Brady Tkachuk)

7. Detroit Red Wings (Steve Yzerman???)

8. Buffalo Sabres (better future than us?)

 

Metropolitan

1. Columbus (Johnny Gaudreau)

2. NY Rangers (Adam Fox)

3. Washington (Matthew Phillips and Mitch Love)

4. New Jersey (Tyler Toffoli trade/Dougie Hamilton)

5. Pittsburgh (Crosby, Malkin and Letang)

6. Carolina (Lindholm/Hanifin trade)

7. New York Islanders (Travis Hamonic trade/Casey Cizikas slew foot)

8. Philadelphia Flyers (John Tortarella?)

 

Central

1. Chicago Blackhawks (Connor Bedard/sex scandal cover-up)

2. Arizona Coyotes (Gary Bettman)

3. St. Louis (Jordan Binnington/Brian Elliot trade)

4. Dallas (2020/Jamie Benn)

5. Colorado (2019)

6. Winnipeg (Mark Schiefele)

7. Minnesota (Kaprizov?/Hartman injuring Kylington?)

8. Nashville Predators (Mark Jankowski)

 

Pacific

1. Edmonton (everyone/everything, especially Evander Kane)

2. Vegas (everyone/everything)

3. Vancouver (JT Miller)

4. Anaheim (Honda centre losing streak/Trevor Zegras)

5. Los Angeles (Drew Doughty)

6. Seattle (Expansion team salt)

7. San Jose (honestly not sure)

8. Calgary (everyone/everything)

 

BONUS: Stanley Cup Final Prediction 2024 that will inflict the most pain [for Flames fans]: Toronto Maple Leafs vs Edmonton Oilers

Honourable mentions for other teams in Stanley cup final that will also inflict pain: Florida, Columbus, Vegas, Chicago, NY Rangers, Tampa Bay

 

Comment down below if you have your own *joke* standings predictions for 2023-24 NHL season. I could post another update of this depending on if Elias Lindholm and/or Noah Hanifin get traded before the season begins...

 

[jjgallow]

 

I think there's a lot to like here.

 

I would definitely agree that there will be 8 teams in each division.

[Sarasti]

1 hour ago, jjgallow said:

 

I think there's a lot to like here.

 

I would definitely agree that there will be 8 teams in each division.

 

Thats a hot take sir

[conundrumed]

Atlantic

1. Toronto

2. - 6. I don't give 2 Blockchains about your teams.

7. Buffalo: What can I say, I'm a compassionate person. You built a giant city on the east side of a giant shallow(ish) lake to ensure at least winter will always be more devastating than your sports teams.

8. Detroit: the giant cesspool to our south Satoshi Nakamotos all over what is likely it's funnest, friendliest city. To keep from pointing at their own Satoshi Nakamotoholes.

Metro

1. NYR: Get over yourselves

2. Pittsburgh: Star personalities become more likeable later in their careers. Too late.

3. NYI: not sure if they're schizo or just a psycho girlfriend.

4. Carolina: the moral code is there's no moral code if you can make us better.

5-7.: putting the "fun" in dysfunctional.

8. NJ: you glorious red-headed stepchild.

Central

1 through 7: Someone needs to step up and be more unlikeable, either by city or roster.

8. Arizona: Make them stop laughing.

Pacific

1. Edmonton: not solely because I'm a Flames fan. There's just a lot to dislike.

2. Vancouver: trade your fans in for new ones if you ever want to be remotely likeable.

3-6. Indifference

7. Anaheim: home region GM, gotta buy local!

1 through 8. Calgary: I love you man, but I hate you.lol

 

East Semi's: Detroit over NJ in 7 game 8-7 scores

West Semi's: Calgary over ARI in 6. ARI's home games were all outdoor games attended by 60,000, setting league records for playoff attendance. They made a Blockchaining killing that may change the game forever. Refrigeration companies buy NHL teams.

SCF: It's August for Chrissakes, would somebody score the game 7 OT winner already...we're all too broke to go to game 47 of 0-0.

 

 

 

[Thebrewcrew]

I find LA's goaltending to be hilarious.

 

They have big aspirations and they go with a Rittich/Talbot/Copley trifecta. They saw a Rittich/Talbot tandem in their own division. Now they're betting their season on 36yr old Cam Talbot and two tweener goalies. Spent their assets on the wrong Jet. Should have went for the goalie.

 

Calgary could quite easily make the playoffs in the Pacific.

 

Seattle screams regression. They aren't gonna have essentially the entire team score 20 goals again. The goaltending remains sketchy.

[robrob74]

1 hour ago, Thebrewcrew said:

I find LA's goaltending to be hilarious.

 

They have big aspirations and they go with a Rittich/Talbot/Copley trifecta. They saw a Rittich/Talbot tandem in their own division. Now they're betting their season on 36yr old Cam Talbot and two tweener goalies. Spent their assets on the wrong Jet. Should have went for the goalie.

 

Calgary could quite easily make the playoffs in the Pacific.

 

Seattle screams regression. They aren't gonna have essentially the entire team score 20 goals again. The goaltending remains sketchy.

lets trade them Vladar. 

[The_People1]

1 hour ago, Thebrewcrew said:

I find LA's goaltending to be hilarious.

 

They have big aspirations and they go with a Rittich/Talbot/Copley trifecta. They saw a Rittich/Talbot tandem in their own division. Now they're betting their season on 36yr old Cam Talbot and two tweener goalies. Spent their assets on the wrong Jet. Should have went for the goalie.

 

Calgary could quite easily make the playoffs in the Pacific.

 

Seattle screams regression. They aren't gonna have essentially the entire team score 20 goals again. The goaltending remains sketchy.

 

If we can sign Lindholm, then yes.  Very easily I feel. 

 

VGK, EDM, and LAK seem like locks to make it.  Then it comes down to the strength of the Central Division.  COL, DAL, and MIN seem playoff bound for sures.  After that, two playoff spots up for grab between CGY, SEA, and STL.  All other teams in the Conference aren't close or are rebuilding.

[conundrumed]

7 hours ago, Thebrewcrew said:

I find LA's goaltending to be hilarious.

 

They have big aspirations and they go with a Rittich/Talbot/Copley trifecta. They saw a Rittich/Talbot tandem in their own division. Now they're betting their season on 36yr old Cam Talbot and two tweener goalies. Spent their assets on the wrong Jet. Should have went for the goalie.

 

Calgary could quite easily make the playoffs in the Pacific.

 

Seattle screams regression. They aren't gonna have essentially the entire team score 20 goals again. The goaltending remains sketchy.

Rittich is an enigma. It doesn't surprise me that he keeps getting jobs, his mechanics are top shelf. Any G coach will say that and think there's gotta be more. Then the results just aren't there. I'm going to guess that it's totally mental with him. Every goal reaction seems like, "oh well".lol

But yeah, I was eyeing up their G too. Why not just re-sign Korpisalo? Maybe he doesn't like Hollywood.

Clarke Brandt is going to be fun to follow. He's more than just a little bit good.

Alex Turcotte is turning into precisely why you should give zero Satoshi Nakamotos about tournaments when you're drafting. 5th oa. That's gotta hurt.